Tools

God has been talking with me about prayer lately.  A lot.  I feel inadequate when I pray corporately and I can sense that feeling of inadequacy in others when they pray, too.  I have been told my friends feel the same way.  I love my intimate times alone with God and feel very protective of them.  I guard that intimacy — I don’t talk to him around others the way I do when it is just us.  But then I never talked to my husband around others like I did when it was just us, either.  And really, I guess I don’t talk to close friends the same way when I am in a group that I do when we are one on one. 

I want to learn more about prayer.  Jesus spent a lot of time in prayer and he admonished us often to pray.  God gives lots of direction on prayer in the Bible.  It seems to me that there are a lot of scriptures that tell us to “call on me” “seek my face”  “ask of the Lord” and a few that tell us to actually “do” anything.  It is so difficult to rely on and trust God.  Why are we so stubbornly convinced we are self-reliant?  I remember my nephews at two years of age pulling away and saying “I do it!”  We’ve all been saying the same thing to God ever since.  It takes maturity and humility to realize we CAN NOT and our best efforts are not nearly enough!

One of the things I feel instinctively about prayer is that it is powerful — not genie in the bottle, Santa’s bag powerful — powerful to put me in God’s perfect will.  It is strange to me that God has given us this amazing, powerful tool for centuries and the church has not used it, or few have learned how to use it.  I was telling a friend of mine the other night that the way I use prayer is like using my Blackberry to drive nails.  My BlackBerry has the ability to take photos, video, record sound, maintain a calendar, send and receive emails, play games, browse the web, and many other things.  But it would be a waste if all I ever did with it was to drive nails into the wall with it.  I feel like in many ways, I am wasting the power of prayer that way.

My pastor suggested I read a book on prayer by E.M. Bounds.  I am reading it and studying the scripture on prayer.  I’ll let you know when I start taking advantage of the other features. 

Somber Thoughts

I was driving yesterday and listening to NPR.  The radio host was talking about the execution of John Allen Mohammed, the Beltway Sniper.  He took me back to the incredible horror and fear I experienced in 2002 as this man picked off at least 20 unsuspecting people doing unremarkable things.  All of this happening over a six-week period in the area where I grew up, where my family still lived, still mowed their grass, still pumped gas. 

It is amazing the emotions that emerge when you realize you have no control.  Anger is the predominate emotion and a desire for revenge and retribution seems to be closely aligned.  The want to have control seems deeply rooted within us.  I’ve often watched very young children express anger and frustration over not having control.  Oh, I’m not saying I don’t want control, I do.  In my own little petty ways I try to control my existence.  It makes me feel very small and insignificant to make the admission.  But I also know that the control I have is minimal.  I may be able to control whether I eat dinner or go out in the evening, but I cannot control if I will have a job tomorrow, if a truck will hit me, my heart will continue beating, the sun will continue to shine, my eyes will open in the morning, if there will be a morning. 

Anyway, I listened to people who were not personally touched by this sniper (other than being reminded that they have no control) spewing such anger and desire to enact horrible acts of retribution on him for his horrific acts.  And yet, those people whose lives had been personally touched exhibited a beautiful forgiveness and graciousness.  That always brings me back to the death penalty debates.  I do believe in the death penalty.  I just wish there were some way to only put those people to death who are criminally insane.  I wish they could have as long as possible to see the truth and know Christ.

My father wanted me to get a gun once.  I told him that I would not shoot anyone so I would be in more danger with a gun that without one.  Why would I, who have a salvation, a hope of glory, take away a sinners opportunity for that hope?  That just doesn’t even make sense to me.  I’ve had this debate with other believers and they say, but if the thief is trying to kill you, you should kill him.  I don’t agree with that.  Look at the results.  If they kill me I go to heaven and receive my reward and they have more chance to repent and obtain salvation.  If I kill them then they lose all chance at eternity and I still go to heaven and get my reward and I live with the knowledge that I ended a life.

I hope I’m never in that situation…but I cannot control what comes my way.