Deceptive Ninja

Cats are deceptive.  Their countenance can become angelic and gentle literally seconds after a demon possession that has them shredding your expensive wool area rug.  And if the appearance is not enough to erase your memory, they turn on the blood pressure lowering purr.

This year I decorated a Christmas tree for the first time in two years.  I did so with trepidation because all my ornaments are glass.  The morning after, the angel tree topper was lying disheveled on the floor with her halo a foot away.  I have a seven foot tree.  I have no concept how, but one of my ninja felines managed to scale the tree without dislodging, let alone breaking, a single ornament, remove the angel, whack her presumptuous-self around the room a few times and leave her face down on the living room floor.  There have been no more incidents.

Tools

God has been talking with me about prayer lately.  A lot.  I feel inadequate when I pray corporately and I can sense that feeling of inadequacy in others when they pray, too.  I have been told my friends feel the same way.  I love my intimate times alone with God and feel very protective of them.  I guard that intimacy — I don’t talk to him around others the way I do when it is just us.  But then I never talked to my husband around others like I did when it was just us, either.  And really, I guess I don’t talk to close friends the same way when I am in a group that I do when we are one on one. 

I want to learn more about prayer.  Jesus spent a lot of time in prayer and he admonished us often to pray.  God gives lots of direction on prayer in the Bible.  It seems to me that there are a lot of scriptures that tell us to “call on me” “seek my face”  “ask of the Lord” and a few that tell us to actually “do” anything.  It is so difficult to rely on and trust God.  Why are we so stubbornly convinced we are self-reliant?  I remember my nephews at two years of age pulling away and saying “I do it!”  We’ve all been saying the same thing to God ever since.  It takes maturity and humility to realize we CAN NOT and our best efforts are not nearly enough!

One of the things I feel instinctively about prayer is that it is powerful — not genie in the bottle, Santa’s bag powerful — powerful to put me in God’s perfect will.  It is strange to me that God has given us this amazing, powerful tool for centuries and the church has not used it, or few have learned how to use it.  I was telling a friend of mine the other night that the way I use prayer is like using my Blackberry to drive nails.  My BlackBerry has the ability to take photos, video, record sound, maintain a calendar, send and receive emails, play games, browse the web, and many other things.  But it would be a waste if all I ever did with it was to drive nails into the wall with it.  I feel like in many ways, I am wasting the power of prayer that way.

My pastor suggested I read a book on prayer by E.M. Bounds.  I am reading it and studying the scripture on prayer.  I’ll let you know when I start taking advantage of the other features. 

Somber Thoughts

I was driving yesterday and listening to NPR.  The radio host was talking about the execution of John Allen Mohammed, the Beltway Sniper.  He took me back to the incredible horror and fear I experienced in 2002 as this man picked off at least 20 unsuspecting people doing unremarkable things.  All of this happening over a six-week period in the area where I grew up, where my family still lived, still mowed their grass, still pumped gas. 

It is amazing the emotions that emerge when you realize you have no control.  Anger is the predominate emotion and a desire for revenge and retribution seems to be closely aligned.  The want to have control seems deeply rooted within us.  I’ve often watched very young children express anger and frustration over not having control.  Oh, I’m not saying I don’t want control, I do.  In my own little petty ways I try to control my existence.  It makes me feel very small and insignificant to make the admission.  But I also know that the control I have is minimal.  I may be able to control whether I eat dinner or go out in the evening, but I cannot control if I will have a job tomorrow, if a truck will hit me, my heart will continue beating, the sun will continue to shine, my eyes will open in the morning, if there will be a morning. 

Anyway, I listened to people who were not personally touched by this sniper (other than being reminded that they have no control) spewing such anger and desire to enact horrible acts of retribution on him for his horrific acts.  And yet, those people whose lives had been personally touched exhibited a beautiful forgiveness and graciousness.  That always brings me back to the death penalty debates.  I do believe in the death penalty.  I just wish there were some way to only put those people to death who are criminally insane.  I wish they could have as long as possible to see the truth and know Christ.

My father wanted me to get a gun once.  I told him that I would not shoot anyone so I would be in more danger with a gun that without one.  Why would I, who have a salvation, a hope of glory, take away a sinners opportunity for that hope?  That just doesn’t even make sense to me.  I’ve had this debate with other believers and they say, but if the thief is trying to kill you, you should kill him.  I don’t agree with that.  Look at the results.  If they kill me I go to heaven and receive my reward and they have more chance to repent and obtain salvation.  If I kill them then they lose all chance at eternity and I still go to heaven and get my reward and I live with the knowledge that I ended a life.

I hope I’m never in that situation…but I cannot control what comes my way.

Wild Woman

Last week my friend Jonnie celebrated her 87th birthday.  Several of her friends and I honored her with a dinner at an area restaurant.  Jonnie is a wonderful woman.  I’ve known her less than a year but I’ve grown close to her quickly.  She is one of those people who I connected with almost immediately.  She is family to me.   I can talk to Jonnie about anything and I know she will listen, she won’t judge me for being human, and she really cares.   She is such a rare human and I thank God that he has allowed me to share her life.

I went to pick her up and drive her to the restaurant.  I brought the CR-V, a small 4-door sport utility vehicle.  When she came to the door she said, “Oh, you didn’t bring the BMW?”  My other car is a red BMW Z3 Roadster convertible.  I told her I thought it would be difficult for her to get in and out of since it is so low to the ground.  Jonnie has severe osteoporosis and bones damaged by chemotherapy several years ago and walks with a walker.  She said okay, but I could tell she was disappointed.   Over dinner I asked her if she was expecting to ride in the BMW and she said she was hoping.  I said that I suppose she wanted the top down, too.  She laughed and said she wanted to do everything that she could.  I told her I would start praying for a warm day and we could put a scarf around her head.  She smiled and I called her a wild woman.  I think the smile spread a little wider.

I spent a lot of time talking to people about how Jonnie has impacted their lives. But one thing I kept hearing that really impressed me was that Jonnie is a woman who is honest with love.  She is not afraid to admit how she has failed God and He has shown her where she was wrong.  She is eager to use herself as an example to keep someone else from making her mistakes.  I think that is something God wants us all to be willing to do.    We hear every day that we should not show vulnerability or weakness.   It is important for me to remember where that message is coming from and what is the truth.  The truth is that we ARE vulnerable and weak.   It is through our weakness that His power is perfected (2 Cor. 12:9).  I guess that it is only when we admit to our weakness that we step aside to allow Him to take the glory for what he rightly deserves.  Before that it seems to me we are pushing into center stage and demanding attention that we don’t deserve.  We are like that person on Star Search that bad mouths the judges in the hallway when they didn’t get a pass to Hollywood.  It is easy to see we have no talent, and we know we cannot sing, but we act like we are entitled/deserve to have everyone else pretend along with us.  But all these pretenders just delay the real Star from being elevated and prevent us all from hearing the real Star perform.   So, we are really hurting ourselves and don’t realize it.   I’m starting to get a clue, by the grace of God and good friends like Jonnie.

He Loves Me

Jesus loves me this I know.

For the Bible tells me so.

I remember KNOWING this when I was a small child.  I remember communing with Him on a deep spiritual level as only a child can with purity, sincerity, and incredible faith.  There was a day that I remember clearly not because it was strange to me, but because of the reaction it produced.  I was probably six years old and swinging with a friend.  I felt a sense of incredible peace.  She was complaining about it being overcast.  I confidently declared that if we sang Heavenly Sunlightthe sun would come out.  In typical six year old manner, she replied “nuh uh!”  I told her I’d prove it and proceeded to sing the first verse of the song.  As I had promised (my  faith fully intact) the clouds rolled out-of-the-way as I completed the verse.  I was unphased by the result because it was fully expected.  My friend was not so unphased.  Her mouth flew open and she jumped from the swing and ran.  I can only guess that her parents comforted her with words of coincidence.

Various abuses and rejections worked with my own personal chemistry to produce an incredible self-hatred that I lived in for years.  I loved God, but was never convinced that He loved me.  You cannot trust someone who you do not believe loves you.

When I had reached the lowest point, I had lost husband, job, friends, family hundreds of miles away, and no church family –  it was then that God moved.  I did nothing.  I didn’t spend time fasting, or reading the Bible, or praying.  God visited my heart and spoke to me.  “The time for sorrow is over.”  It was revelation knowledge to my heart.  I know, with no doubt, God loves for me.  I have not been the same.  I trust Him.  When things look bad, I trust Him, because I know whatever it is, He loves me and means it for good.   I cannot give advice because I didn’t do anything.  I can only say I know He loves me.

Relax

 Since I got back from Europe I have been busy.  So busy I cannot seem to catch up.  It feels like everything is conspiring to keep me from gaining any ground.  My house needs to be cleaned, my cats feel neglected (as you can see from the photo).  I try to complete one task and if I happen to walk through a room I am shouted at by the many other undone tasks that need to be done in that room. 

Yesterday I was working in my home office when I noticed the relaxing sound of a fountain.  I have always loved fountains and the way they can immediately relax you and take your cares away.  Then I realized that I didn’t have a fountain.  I rushed down the hallway and found both cats fascinated outside the bathroom as they watched the tank on the toilet spewing water over and filling up the floor in the bathroom and spilling out into the hallway.  Excitement.  My cats love water.  When they are bored, they look for water bottles that I have unintentionally left the top off so they can knock it over and watch the water pour out (and then watch me rush around and sop up).  It must be very entertaining…and a rather powerful feeling.    It never ceases to cause action.  The most interesting time was when I had put red juice in the bottle and left it on the night stand and they knocked it onto my white carpet at 12 am.  That was really interesting and caused a flurry of activity at midnight.

Back to the bathroom — when I rushed in they looked up at me and I asked, “You couldn’t tell me?”  They looked back at the water while I waded in and turned off the water at the source.  So this is another thing to add to my list of thing to be done.  I am leaving tomorrow for a Women’s Retreat.  I should be thinking of it as a … well retreat.  Right now I am thinking it is three days when I cannot get anything done and next week I have Jury duty so that is at least one day with no productivity.  The following week I am in NY manning a table at a conference and presenting at an awards ceremony (three days down).

Tonight I was returning home from an errand and I realized that it was 9pm and I was very hungry.  I had not eaten since 11:30 am.  I pulled into a McDonald’s.  I have not been to a McDonalds in years.  I don’t go to McDonalds, but tonight I did not care because it was well lit and populated by what looked to be families.  I made my purchase and sat down near the TV to listen to Jon Gosselin explain to Larry King that TLC and Kate are exploiting his children (now that he is not benefiting from the income).

It suddenly struck me that the McDonald’s was pretty busy for 9-9:30 on a Thursday.  From my perch (tall table and chair) I overlooked three large round tables that seated up to 7 or 8.  Each of these tables held what appeared to be traditional families of at least five.  If I focused in on one table at a time, I could image I was watching a Hispanic episode of Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best, except of course no one was wearing a suit and tie or a dress and pearls.  But the family dynamics were all the same.  The families were talking and laughing, communicating with one another.  And even though I could not understand what they were saying I could feel the communion, love, and respect that was taking place between them.  At none of the tables was there a harshness between father and son, or mother and daughter, or husband and wife.  They all seemed delighted to be able to sit down together and share a meal.  They talked and laughed together.    I assumed they were telling each other about their days   

I thought about what a long day it was for these families to have to wait until 9 or 9:30 to sit down together and eat a meal and then I thought about how wonderful it was that they did that.  It was obvious that this was an event for them.  They were all freshly bathed, cleanly dressed, and happy to be spending a little time with one another.  What a blessing.  My family and I ate dinner together every night, but the TV was on and I do not remember us talking to one another.  The only conversation I remember was Dad complaining that there was no salt in the salt shaker (that seemed to be a nightly occurence — I was well into college before I realized this was probably a passive aggressive act on my Mother’s part).  I do not remember feeling loved and respected until I was much older. 

What a wonderful way to end a day.  Come together with those people who love you the most, tell of your frustrations, challenges, and victories, then talk over how to handle your tomorrow.  Then you CAN relax and enjoy your night and be prepared to face the new day. 

I miss that about being married.  I had that in my marriage and I really miss sharing that with someone and having someone share that with me daily.  I have wonderful friends who appreciate me and do care…but I don’t usually bother them about the mundane daily things and they all have family available to share their daily.  Well, that is one of the challenges of living single.  I need to take a clue from the felines in my life and see the toilet tank overflow as a fountain.  Maybe I’ll knock over a few water bottles tonight. 

Goodness Grace Us

I spoke virtually with a friend whose pastor is doing a series on the 10 commandments.  I had attended their service while visiting my family back in July (they were still working on those commands then).  That week he was talking about not taking any graven images.  What he had to say was interesting but caused the discomfort like you experience when you’re excited about being at the beach but aware of those grains of sand in your sneaker.  He concluded that a crucifix was a graven image, Sallman’s Head of Christ is a graven image, and the nativity sets we all erect during the holidays are graven images.

I have always had heartburn with iconography in some ancient churches when revered other than artistically.  But to cast aside symbols of God’s acts does not seem to fit with that for me.  Granted, Sallman’s Head of Christ is not a symbol of an act of God or the life of Christ.  Although I have always felt that this was one artistic depiction of Christ and never believed he actually looked like this, but felt it might encompass a human who reflected a sense of peace and love similar to what Christ exuded.  It seems to me that God endorsed symbols throughout Scriptures by giving His people the Arc of the covenant, the Passover, the rainbow, the tree of life, and many more. 

My friend’s comment to me the night we spokewas that the pastor had preached on keeping the Sabbath day holy, so he could no longer watch football on Sundays.  I suggested that this sounded legalistic and where was grace?  I mentioned the New Testament scriptures were Jesus admonished the Pharisees for being legalistic about him healing on the Sabbath.  I also mentioned that Jesus is now our Sabbath and not a day.  He asked if I thought Jesus would have us break one of the commandments?

He also related how a previous sermon on not taking the Lord’s name in vain reached as far as not saying things such as “oh my goodness” or “goodness gracious.”  I make the assumption that the pastor related the word good as a derivative of God.

So I pondered, do we who are under grace, adhere rigidly to these commandments?  I know that Paul says that even though we have grace this is no license to sin.  I have always believed that God gave  us the commandments as a gift; a gift to point out our unrighteous.  Jesus said that he did not come to destroy the law, but rather to fulfill it.  If something has been fulfilled, isn’t it completed?  If an obligation is fulfilled nothing else is required on it, right?  I am not suggesting that we cast the law away from us.  I am suggesting that by straining at these interpretations  (Can I watch football on Sunday?  Is a crucifix a graven image?  Is saying goodness gracious cursing?) we remove ourselves from God’s grace, begin to work towards justifying ourselves again, and become so tied up that God is unable to work in our lives to change those things that matter most, like Jesus said in Matthew 22:37-41 (English Standard Version:
³⁷And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸This is the great and first commandment. ³⁹And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰ On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” 

If I am straining after the details of the law, I don’t have the energy, time or attention to focus on loving God OR my neighbor.

Matthew 11:28-30 (English Standard Version)

²⁸ Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

The Thing That Could Not Sleep

I chose this title because I could not sleep and started thinking of a movie I saw as a kid.   It is an old B movie my sister and I watched late one night (apparently too late for her, my older sister).  On a recent family trip I found out that this movie made a huge impression on Marsha. We laughed about how frightened she was by it,  but couldn’t remember the name of the movie.  The stirring plot was about a Satan-worshiper in Ponce De Leon’s crew who was beheaded by him and buried  his head separately from his body.  Fast forward to modern (1950’s) time when a young diviner, or water witch, digs up the head that bewitches her into finding his body.  Apparently if he can “get it together” he can pick up where he left off in his evil deeds from the past. 

This film was horribly acted, filmed, and written…in short a delicious, B grade, 50’s era horror film.    A little Internet searching and I found the name of the movies was  “The Thing That Could Not Die.”[Of course every word was initial caps! ]  It was difficult to find and even more difficult to find any images left on the web.  There is a blog about B grade movies and an entry (if you are curious) with pics from the film at http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_url?doit=done&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eldesvandelabuelito.blogspot.com&lp=es_en.  I love the picture of the female in filmy evening wear while the men are in typical work clothes.  [I went back recently and could not find the posting...there is a post on the IMDB at http://www.imdb.com/media/rm566927104/tt0052289.]

I don’t know if you are familiar with Mystery Science Theatre, but it was a fantastic show that played old B-grade movies with sarcastic comments  proffered by strange characters (such as robotic gumball machines) who are forced to watch.  There is apparently a recording of this irreverent version of the episode which I would love see, but I haven’t been able to find it.

 

I don’t know about you, but I grew up on the old B-grades.  They were great.  “The Attack of the 50-Foot Woman” (where did she get her clothes? and why was she so angry… or was it just PMS?) and Ed Wood’s “Plan 9, From Outer Space” (How horrific were plans 1-8 that they had to move to such a stupid plan like plan 9???). 

Every afternoon I would come home from school, put down my book and have just enough time to get settled before it was time for the afternoon movie to start.  There was always action, adventure, and fantasy.  You had to do a major job of suspending disbelief to enjoy these movies.   But that was easier to do as a kid and I was REALLY good at it. 

When I watched Plan 9 From Outer Spaceback then, I didn’t notice that the tombstones were made out of cardboard and practically fluttered.  It didn’t seem odd to me that the lead detective would scratch his head with a loaded revolver, or that a superior intellected  race from another planet would choose to take over our world by turning us into vampires?  Just how does that work?  OK, so I was  REALLY good at suspending disbelief and EXTREMELY naive.  LOL

But for some reason a head dug up 700 years later, talking to someone and trying to convince her to find his body never really scared me.  It really surprised me that my big sister was scared all that time.  You never really know, do you?

Too Much Paine in Life

One of my favorite movies was on TCM tonight, Mr Smith Goes to Washington.  I can watch that movie over and over again, not just because it stars Jimmy Stewart who always does a fantastic job, and not just because it is a great feel-good under dog wins movie.  I love the movie because it is written from the perspective that a political position is an honor and respected as an appointment from God.  The nation looks up to its political leaders as good men who are working for the good of the nation and its people.  In this movie, Senator Paine, the bad guy in politics, is in the minority and public opinion supports Jefferson Smith’s opinion that he “wouldn’t give you two cents for all your fancy rules if, behind them, they didn’t have a little bit of plain, ordinary, everyday kindness and a little looking out for the other fella, too.”  Because of that, one good man can make a difference. 

I guess that sounds kinda silly now days.  Maybe it has always sounded silly.  Years ago I read Governor Bradford’s papers from the Plymouth colony.  I wanted to know why the pilgrims had almost starved to death when Native Americans were able to survive and we have been able to make it work in this land.  It comes down to basic Senator Paine selfishness…way back there.   The pilgrims were a communal group and they didn’t want to end up carrying the work load for the whole colony or doing more than their neighbor.  So each did the bare minimum until it almost killed them.  Governor Bradford had to split up the land among them so their work would only benefit themselves before the colonists prospered.  I am saddened by that.  I am not surprised but I’m saddened.  I want to believe that we are better than that.  If you spend any time with little children you will know we are all innately selfish.  But I want us to be better than that.

But I love this movie.  I love that he never gives up.  even when they continue to batter him with lies.  Before he collapses Jefferson Smith declares he will keep fighting for the lost causes:

“And you know that you fight for the lost causes harder than for any other. Yes, you even die for them. Because of just one, plain, simple rule: Love thy neighbor. And in this world today, full of hatred, a man who knows that one rule has a great trust. “

 Somewhere we lost that trust…as people, as a nation, as a church, and in many cases as individuals. I guess to me in this movie Jefferson Smith is really the symbol of Christ coming into the world giving the wake-up call.  Maybe we are selfish, maybe we are Senator Paine-like…but Christ wants us to be better.  Christ made a way for us to be better.  And that gives me hope and joy.

Attention Please!

I had a very clever beginning to this blog today.  I started off telling you how incredibly busy I’ve been at work lately.  How that on top of all the work I have to do at work my network has been giving me fits.  Cable is unpredictable and going down, I got a new router, a new modem, had a booster put on the line.  All of this has improved the situation, but not fixed it.  I have never had any problems and I didn’t change anything it just started out of no where!  Anyway, I had a clever beginning, but when I scrolled up to the top to add the picture, the beginning was gone and I think that is only appropriate considering the rest of the post.  I hate computers, networks, and logic, sometimes.

Anyway, I had stated that my work computer was causing me problems (as was my network) and I had to take it into the office and have it re-imaged.  This was not a simple task since I decided to copy all my data files to disk first.  Yes, I do have an external back-up drive, but I was concerned about it not working correctly and apparently correctly so, since I did have some problems and lost some files anyway.  And now I have to re-install the software I need for my job and my laptop won’t accept it, so the IT guru is having to take over remote access to my laptop and try to install it. 

In the meantime, I have used my personal laptop(running MS Vista)’s version of MS Word (2007) to work on a document.  Now that has crashed and none of the scroll bars on Word function.  I have tried to uninstall and reinstall Word, but the scroll bar problem is still there.  So I can only use functioning scroll bars by running Word from safe-mode. 

And the IT guru continues to work on the install on the other machine.  And in the middle of a phone conversation with him (I have an IP phone through my cable modem), my network goes down.  I must reboot my router to bring back up both computers and my phone and then sign back into my VPN.  *sigh*

OK, everyone is back online.  Now, here is the real center of my story today.  All of this has been going on for a few weeks so my two cats have not been getting the attention they are used to (that they obviously deserve).  So to remind me of that, they tip liquids.  Any liquids.  If there is a bottle with something liquid in it, they will tip it over onto the floor.  I have to stop what I am doing and clean it up.  The other night I had a bottle with a red pomegranate juice in it.  I sat it on  the sink counter in the bedroom and then crawled in bed.  It was midnight of a very rough day.  It was about to get rougher.  I turned the lights out, snuggled down, sighed, and heard the plop.  I turned the light on and there sat Buttercup looking at me.  I looked at the white carpet and the dark red stain spreading.  Ugggggg.  So at midnight I was supping pomegranate juice out of white carpet.

How do I know it is lack of attention that causes this response?  Because I am terrible about leaving bottles and cups and cans of water, soda, juice around the house and they NEVER bother them until I am slammed with work and there isn’t lap time at night or fetch time in the afternoon. 

I am learning that I need to make time for fetch and lap…or I’ll be cleaning pink carpet at midnight!